That time of the year

Loneliness

walls

tomorrow

A world I owned.

Become.

Muse

Love leaves you

One day

Happy ending

My cup of tea

Martyr

Love

summer

Grey

Legends

Resident

Day

Consequence

Tsunami

Nicotine

Dream

Anesthesia

Let go.

I am a woman.

Home

Let me in

Loss

Loss. You experience it all through your life, in various forms, and in different degrees of pain. Sometimes, loss is a lesson, and then maybe it's really not a loss, but just a gentle reminder that you need to make room for something wonderful to come and build home in your little nest. But you know when we lose people, especially the ones we voluntarily let go of maybe just because we no longer feel the need to invest in another being, maybe because we have better alternatives, or just because we lack the energy to foster our fondness for someone, it just makes me realize how little we value life.
Ask someone who has had a loved one literally snatched away from the palm of their hands, they'll tell you what loss really is. It's like the wheel of life turning back on you, and you've no option but to hold on to whatever little you've got. Ask a mother who has lost her child, she'd tell you how many things she would've done differently if she'd get one last shot at seeing her child again. And that considering, that nobody in this gigantic universe will ever love you with the kind of sincerity that your mother does, really speaks volumes about the kind of colossal damage loss can do. She'll learn to cope in a few years, but you know she'll be just this close to a nervous breakdown every single time she sees something that reminds her of her child. Real loss, it doesn't ever leave you, it's an open wound masked as a scar and it'll tear you down just when you think you've healed. And somewhere deep down, we all know this. I don't know how we keep forgetting, and how we just casually let go of those we love. I don't know why we need something really bad to happen to see things for what they're really like.
We manage to fail each other time and again, without the slightest of remorse. We make excuses, like we just grew apart, or that it wasn't working out; these are all just modern day abbreviations for our incapability to love limitlessly, without fear and anguish and actually do something about it. Or maybe we just have no real understanding anymore of how value translates into love, and how growing apart shouldn't be an option. We've given ourselves choices for the sake of convenience, Funny how we can work 14 hours a day for money, and not spare one minute to cherish someone we love. Maybe now, setting our priorities straight only means building a foundation for regrets. Or maybe we'll learn. Maybe soon enough. Maybe a little late. Or not at all.

Happy or sad?

I've been thinking. Doesn't this sound very sad? That you'll never get back the amount of love you give? Sounds like a really bad deal right? But maybe it's not. Maybe it makes you powerful, more capable of making someone feel something, than they'll ever be able to make you feel. It almost makes you invincible, like don't we take pride in being better than people at something? Why can't we take pride in this? You're more capable of making people feel worthy and beautiful and glad to be alive, I don't know why to be ashamed of that and or why that should make me feel sorry for myself. I can't apologize for my courage, or my faith, for you love to give, not for what it gives you back.

Someone

The conversations in my head

:)

The Canvas

Mornings

Ground

Before you I was chaos unkempt, like a bundled knot with no loose ends.

But your fingers entered me so artlessly, as if I were waiting to cast around you,

and become a masterpiece.

You've weaved yourself into me, like roots concealed, and there's been no gravity ever since;

you are my ground.

Hi. I like monotony. And that's not weird.

Okay so this post comes with the risk of sounding like a 45 year old woman, married, settled with two kids and working the same 9 to 5 job everyday, which I'm NOT. okay? Because I'm 21 (going to turn 22 very soon), working, struggling with her post grad decisions, with a messed up love life, still recovering from her last breakup, BUT with a bunch of really fabulous friends and family and probably a good vacation to look forward to.
The only twist in the tale is, that I don't really mind being that woman I just mentioned, with a settled family and career when I'm 45. I'd love to travel the world, have crazy experiences and all of that any 21 year old would dream of, but I like stability. Sometimes you get bored of the same old routine of course, which is okay. But I like that certainty you know, of knowing where I have to head out in the morning, who I'll wake up next to, and all those seemingly trivial things which we really don't notice all that much. They are very very important, and I think we forget that sometimes. People my age are looking for excitement and newness, and new ways to make mistakes, which I somehow understand too because we're wired to believe that once we get older our lives are going to become miserable, and we just want to postpone that monotony and misery as much as possible. I know like 20 people who'd flip at the idea of marriage or kids. However, hooking up at a party, or passing out and throwing up seem fairly exciting. You're more excited about lying in a pool of your own vomit than spending your life with someone you love? That's a little bizarre don't you think? But that's how we function these days to be honest. I'm all for fancy shopping and clubbing, I'm that girl who visits Goa every year, so really no dearth of fun-lovingness here.
But I'm not scared of monotony, because in a whole lot of ways, I believe monotony is beautiful. And that coming from someone who gets bored very easy is something. Predictability is somehow offensive, so like when someone tells you they knew you were going to say this, or do this, you're immediately drawn to doing anything which is unlike you in reality just to prove them wrong and be unpredictable. Don't we all do this? And isn't it completely ridiculous? I'm charged guilty here of course. I like being that person who knows everyone, and nobody knows me entirely, and that is an actual category of people. But when I think of it sometimes, wouldn't it be so great if someone just knew you in and out and LIKED that? Maybe we don't wanna be predictable because it's associated with being boring. Fact of the matter is, if it wasn't so, we'd all love to be predictable. Having someone who knows what you're going to say the next minute, or who knows you're going to weep watching that particular scene of the movie, what food will make you happy, your favourite poem and what you love about it, who knows exactly long you need to be left alone, and when you need to be pestered, wouldn't that be just spectacular? So why are we really so afraid of monotony and predictability? Everything new today will become old eventually. Why not make peace with that? Experience everything of course, this is just the time to do it. But don't deliberately push something good away for the sake of newness. Because I think one day you'll realise, the monotony is the adventure.

Unfinished

Too late

Still.

You know self-love is important. I'm not the first person preaching that to you; probably that's what most of the positive stuff I read is about, always circling around knowing your worth, loving yourself first, putting your needs ahead of others etc. And no denying, because well you're all you have at the end of the day.
But somehow, when I say that ^ , a part of me dies inside. Why? because accepting that is sort of like, giving up hope on other people, giving up hope of finding something permanent, outside of yourself. And that to me, is a very very grim thought.
Also, somewhere in the middle of encouraging self love, we're unknowingly fostering a culture of conceit. How? Maybe because we don't really clarify what self- love means anymore. It's just put forward in a very no-nonsense way after you've been rendered heart broken by someone perhaps. Why firstly did someone have to break your heart for you to realize that you must love yourself? Self love must exist independent of people and circumstances, it's simply acceptance of your flaws and being comfortable with them, and taking pride in your journey to becoming who you are.
How does the idea of loving yourself even remotely interfere with the idea of loving someone else? Why are we told that we need to put ourselves above everyone else, I mean.. that's kind of selfish I think. Your self worth is not a benchmark to measure for love for anyone else.
You love yourself tirelessly everyday, even when you make mistakes you forgive yourself and you love yourself anyway, and then you hurt people and tell yourself it's okay and forgive yourself again. Why are we using self love, as a tool to cleanse our conscience of guilt? Telling yourself that you're human and you're allowed to make mistakes is all good, but you need to at least make an apology before you forgive yourself? Why are we so conveniently getting rid of that step?
Learn to draw the line between being selfish and knowing your worth, it's a very blurry line mostly, but you'll know when you're crossing it. And stop thinking that it's okay to cross it, because we don't hold the right to cause infinite damage and walk away from it, not for yourself, not for any other reason.
You're still supposed to love someone to the end of the world, and you can't do that if you're so busy being selfish and forgiving yourself for all the BS you're pulling off under the cover of self love. So stop. Now. Stop giving yourself unlimited chances when you don't give that to anyone else, because you're gonna have to look at yourself in the mirror eventually, and the mirror won't tell you to love yourself then.

The damaged.

60 seconds

Hope.

The little things

Closure. 
Most of us, (at least the relatively sensitive ones) are always busy reasoning things out. WHY is the most frequently asked and yet the most painful question to cross our minds every day. Because while everything else may be the crystal clear, facts may have been laid bare, the 'Why' is often left unanswered, which inevitably makes us chase it even more.
Closure, is essentially, the answer to this why. And the problem is, as much as you may need it from someone else, you're unlikely to find it anywhere but within yourself. People who leave you with questions, will never feel obliged to answer them anyway. No one else can ever be responsible for your inner peace. Although we'd always like our happiness to be completely independent of other people, that is not always practically possible, and you needn't blame yourself for that. It's only natural. Anyone who isn't entirely self absorbed, will find happiness in the people they love, and honestly, I think you've to be completely heartless not to.
The problem isn't associating your happiness with other people, it's blaming them for your unhappiness. What happens to you is not in your hands, and how you feel about it isn't either, but how long you choose to let that feeling consume you is in your hands entirely. When something bad happens, you're bound to feel rejected and upset and mourn a little. Loss is almost like a physical pain sometimes, so you can't help but feel the way you feel, and there is NOTHING wrong with it. The first step to recovering is recognizing that there's a problem, and accepting how you feel about it. You need to accept your agony first to eventually be able to reject the pain. Then you need to stop wishing that everything would get fixed automatically on it's own, because it will not, and it shouldn't. Throwing your hands up and wishing for miracles is leaving your life to the mercy of the unknown, I mean why would you even want to take that risk?
Saying I don't know doesn't mean you actually don't know, you just don't want to accept what you know, it's simple. I don't know is really no state of mind. Accept what you need to do, as much as it sucks right now, it'll get better because there's nothing to lose anymore. If something feels like unfinished business, you need to finish that business and not wait for a sign from the universe. Don't dive into the sinking ship because that was your ship once, that's not bravery but foolishness.
Figure out what it is that you need to feel better, and do it, every day, over and over, till you actually feel better, and believe me you will. Just as the glory wasn't permanent, the pain isn't either. Save yourself, from the misery inflicted upon you by the world, and mostly inflicted upon by yourself.
Choose yourself. You will survive each time anyway. All you need to do, is learn to survive better. And if at all, you happen to be at the giving end and not the receiving end of the pain, don't let another soul suffer due to your indecisiveness. Ending is never happy, but it sure can be peaceful. Don't ever let another person live with the kind of pain you couldn't bear. Be a good person, it really costs nothing.

I think someone telling you that they want to be you, is far greater a compliment than someone wanting to be with you. why? it's simple. Someone who wants to be with you, appreciates who you are as a person, or perhaps find you attractive for whatever reasons or finds your personality pleasing etc. Most of the people that you'll meet at my age especially, would be those who'd like you for very obvious superficial reasons and those don't last, and hence those bonds eventually tire too, and never make it in the long run.
So when someone tells me they want to be with me, I feel like, well, great! I know I'm good to be around and I also possibly know what it is about me that you compels you to pursue me, so there's no mystery in that. It's a compliment nevertheless; who doesn't like being reminded of their awesomeness even if they're acutely aware of it anyway?
But, someone telling me they want to be like me, it.. inspires confidence. Like you know,okay whatever it is that I'm doing, there's something about it that fascinates another soul enough to want to take on life the way I do. Also, considering I'm not particularly lucky, or unbelievably well endowed in any department that someone would want to steal my life, someone telling me they want to be like me feels like a compliment to the strength of my character. And I find that wonderful because it's not something I was born with, it's something I've cultivated and demonstrated time and again, and a lot of work and emotional repair went behind that.
Almost like someone appreciating how remarkable or hardworking you are behind the scenes instead of just judging you by how the play turned out. Someone complimenting your soul, will always be far more gratifying than someone complimenting your physical appearance, because I spend a maximum of an hour a day grooming myself to look better, but I've spent years trying to build who I am and often that effort becomes invisible.

All you people, who've ever given someone a genuine compliment, about who they are, and not just the way they look, really, THANK YOU for existing. 

What exactly comprises of your support system?

This has a very simple answer for most people, people who'll be there for you no matter what. Going by this definition, we really really limit our support system and make it fairly impractical.

It cannot always be possible for someone to be available for you every time you need them, and that shouldn't make you write them off as a part of your support system.

You know it's really easy to let all the madness and negativity get to you and that happens to me all the time. I experience about 13 mini nervous breakdowns everyday if one thing in my life is out of place because I crave for peace and stability in general as much as I crave for excitement in my everyday life. 

Lately thanks to all the emotional turmoil, I have been experiencing those obviously (:P). I have fits of rage, and sorrow and then I'm happy jumpy and excited and I can't even tell what I'll be like the next minute. 

So coming back to the support system, this phase has really helped me realize,  I don't think I let many people in and really pour my heart out to them very much. I find it very hard to be honest with other people about my feelings which make me feel weak, but the good thing is at least I admit these to myself.

So your support system may not be people who you call your shoulder to cry on exactly. They are just people whose existence in your life gives you comfort irrespective of all else. Seeing them happy makes you ridiculously happy, as if something great actually happened to you, and maybe, without even trying to be there for you, they're just there for you then. Because your real support system? As far as they are concerned, it doesn't matter what they're doing for YOU. That confidence is unspoken, and it doesn't need any validation. They will not always give you what you want, or tell you things you want to hear, but they will just be themselves, and do what they do, and they fix you. It could be there stupid jokes, or even their indifference sometimes, and all the things that would normally offend you, wouldn't, with them. And this is the most understated form of love, I guess. 

I think I frequently forget how unbelievably lucky I am to have people around who will make me laugh without a care in the world. Because sometimes you need just that, you just want to laugh, and forget and be okay. And when you do, you'll realize, nothing in life will ever make you feel as free!

  

Mitch Albom

I often stared into empty spaces

searching for some piece of art

trying to listen 

to what the dreaded silences spoke

I'm guilty of laughing half heartedly

while my mind wandered elsewhere

Waiting for someone 

to invade me with their deepest secrets

I've traced journeys

from the unbecoming to becoming

I've watched their eyes and tongues

tell different stories

I've witnessed the broken

and the healed

and I've witnessed the strength in their recovery

I could walk you through the wilderness

in the blinding city lights of the empty street

I could pick words out of your sealed lips

and hear your heart race from a distance

I could pen your thoughts down

as I run my fingers through your hair

So I'm afraid the ordinary doesn't amuse me

I can't fill the empty spaces between your fingers

but I will fill the gaps in your soul

I will leave you whole

without so much as a crack in me

Then I will let you watch me

waltz my way back home

But your heart will ache

because you'll see a piece of paradise walk away.

Don't you think heartbreaks are extremely understated? In fact the whole idea of heartbreak doesn't make sense to me. Hearts don't break; breaking is a very lousy word to explain what your heart feels when it experiences loss. Breaking happens in a nanosecond, what happens to your heart is a far more elaborate. That kind of emptiness you feel like something within you died, heartbreak as a word doesn't do justice to it. It comes closer to drowning, that struggle between not completely living or dying. Also, broken things can never completely be mended. A mended heart isn't capable of experiencing a feeling as strong as love again; it would rip it apart in a second. And again, you never love the next person the same way as you loved the previous one. There isn't the slightest of resemblance in the way the two made you feel, it is entirely different. So your heart doesn't break after all, it drowns; and the waves leave it at the shore. Then someone picks it up, and breathes life into it again.
So don't worry, if your heart feels like it's drowning, you're probably going to reach the shore very soon. :)

Uncomplicate.

Human beings are supposed to be at the highest point of evolution. However, I believe, we evolve as we progress through life, we aren't really evolved at birth. We grow physically, of course, but the real evolution happens in the mind. And we're not infinite beings; like all other things, we have our limits. But we cross these boundaries every time and build new ones, and then cross them again. That's evolution.

When we learn to part with a little of ourselves, and make space for something new, that's evolution. All these things that you go through in life, all the experiences, they're meant for you make space. Just as you need to clean up old books off your shelf to make room for ones, you need to make room for a newer version of you too.

 So you keep leaving a little bit of yourself in every place you go. Sometimes you leave yourself in places you've grown to love, sometimes in a moment back in time, and then sometimes, with some people. And you keep making room for the new.

The funny thing is, the parts you left never become any less significant. You'll be able to feel like that person whenever you visit an old neighborhood, brush through pages of an old photo album, or meet a person you never thought you'd lose. But the new person has inhabited you, and the old one is just a visitor. They'll knock your door ever once in a while, and you'll open the window and greet them perhaps, but you'll never let them in. 

You leave many people behind as you move on in life, but mostly you leave yourself, and you leave yourself so many times without even knowing that you do. And it's always for the better.

Don't be afraid, this is your time to leave, and then come alive again, fresh and new, without the baggage that your previous self had. 

This is, for a change, a happy goodbye.

Letter to self,

Dear xyz year old me,
You're the finest woman you'll ever meet and you're only going to get better from here. The ultimate purpose of life is to be the best version of yourself and you're the best anyone can get. You can cook your own food, you're smart, you can cheer up a dead body, you're living off your own money, and there's nobody that you depend on for anything. You're your best company and you can make someone's life let alone making someone's day. You stand up for what you believe in, you stand up for others and for yourself and no one can fool you. Sure you need love, but you know how to get it too. You don't need reassurance about how amazing you are because even if the world says otherwise, you know you wouldn't question it. You don't settle for less than you deserve and you don't feed people's ego, you do make them feel great about themselves though because that's the kind of wonderful person that you are. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, you never crumble no matter how broken you feel inside; you always come out stronger. You inspire me. You're the kind of woman I'd hope my daughter grows up to be. Had a rough day? so what? Who doesn't? Will you ever question that you're enough? No. Because you're more than enough. You're too much. Too honest. Too kind. Too strong. Maybe a little too good for those around you.

Of course you make mistakes, and you sometimes need a little hug or a shoulder to cry on, but does that mean you're weak? No. It only makes you human and what a wonderful one at that. You're a 100% evolved human species, just as god had hoped for all of us to be and you're only striving for better. You will excel at everything you take up, be it work, be it love, be it family. You feel everything so very deeply that most around you aren't capable of. You're the kind of woman you drowns oceans. You're a kid at heart, you need your share of affection, sometimes, you need people to fight for you and stand by you the way you'd stand by them. But my dear, that doesn't always happen. Forgive them anyway. They'll know what they lost when they have to. And even if they don't, it wouldn't matter, because you'd know and that's what's most important. Your relationships may/may not work out. Boys can be total jackasses and you already know it, they're behind you in the biological clock. You'll always walk out a better person in the relationship anyway, guilt free, full of love and maybe a few lessons. You're compassionate, loving and sensitive. And those are wonderful qualities not everyone is blessed with. So love yourself anyway, because nobody else matters as much. You do. And you should always come first. Put yourself first, love yourself first. Nobody should ever be able to make you feel inadequate. Hold hands, but never lean on. You have two feet, and you're going to stand on those very two and make the world a better place. Someone somewhere is going to be worthy of your time, so don't waste it on those who aren't. And don't wait for them either. The only thing you should ever be waiting for is the next best thing you're going to achieve. Be unstoppable. It's a phase my love, you're not drowning. You're just learning to swim. :)

Time. Isn't it just the single most uncertain thing in the world? We may have invented clocks, but we'll never know how time passes because for every given second, time passes differently for every single person in the universe. The only constant thing about time is that it never stops, for anyone. And I guess that way it's pretty fair. But if you could turn the clock back, would you? Would you change anything? Or would you just stop time, right there, at that particular moment and not let it pass?
I do (unfortunately) dwell on the past a lot. Like I'm basically stuck somewhere between rewind and play and there's a special kind of pain I take to move across these two all the time. I know it sounds twisted and I know there's a long distance between then and now, but I think I really love the journey. I look forward to things too, but the anticipation of what next is not particularly exciting for me all the time. Maybe because I'm a teeny weeny bit afraid of change(well who isn't right?), but I really hold on tight to all that's gone. Maybe because I don't know with certainty that what's ahead of me is significantly better than what I have/had? But even if it was, would it make those memories any less wildly wonderful? I guess not. You could tell me you need to live in the present, what's gone is gone. But if someone is really holding on to something so tight, don't you think it must really be worth keeping?
I could feel the exact same way as I felt 4 years back when I revisit an old memory, and the memory could be bad or good, doesn't even necessarily have to be pleasant or worth remembering. But it was definitely significant, because if a particular person, or just an old conversation or a picture, could take you four years back, doesn't it really mean something?
I'm 21 today, and I might(hopefully) have xyz years of my life to look forward to, a good b-school, good grades, a fulfilling job, a strong support system, but 40 or 50 years from now, what am I going to have to look forward to? When you're losing your senses and growing old and unattractive and more dependent, that's when you really need something to look forward to.You can no longer say that you've your whole life ahead of you because you really don't. There's no consolation anymore. What do you have then? Where do you go? You look back. At all these delightful memories you've created, this canvas you've painted with all these seemingly meaningless colours in a random order, and you and only you what this not so artsy painting really means. It's your life, the 50/60/70 years of it, painted with colours of all kinds of experiences. Does it still feel wrong to look back? Memories never become any less relevant, and the nostalgia never goes away. But does that make you afraid? that is the real question you need to ask.